


Disillusionment

by melian225



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Afterlife, Bullying, Character Death, Community: HPFT, F/M, Obsession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 13:57:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14498490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melian225/pseuds/melian225
Summary: Severus Snape travels to the afterlife, only to face rejection from the one who matters most.





	Disillusionment

It was like drowning in blood.

The holes in his neck gaped and his life force seeped out of them, and along with it any hope of helping Harry one more time. Until … was that an illusion? Harry himself appeared, undoubtedly from beneath his Invisibility Cloak, and he was able to mutter some last words as he allowed his memories to depart him. They would help Harry, he thought. They would help him to understand.

In those last moments before death, he thought of where his life had gone. He had tried to protect Harry, for Lily’s sake, but it looked like that wasn’t working. Why had he done so much when Dumbledore’s plan had been for the boy to die all along?

But he knew the answer to that. Lily. Everything he’d done had been for her.

He looked at Harry one last time, seeking those emerald eyes behind the glasses. Her eyes. “Look … at … me …” he managed to get out. Harry gazed at him, and he thought he could still see Lily there. He had Lily’s eyes. It was one of his only saving graces.

Soon enough, though, he slid into nothingness, to that place where all consciousness disappears, and all was black. But it was only momentary … after what seemed like no time he woke again, incredibly intact, in clean robes and surrounded by the souls of the departed.

At least, he assumed they were souls. They seemed to be flesh and blood still, able to move, to speak, to hear, to touch.

Touch.

He had never realised how tantalising that word was. Those who he had survived would be whole once more, and that number included her. If he could possibly touch her once more, even in the most chaste fashion, that would make all his sacrifices, suffering, sneaking and spying worthwhile.

Picking himself up, he went to look for her. He knew he would recognise her anywhere, it was just a matter of finding that brilliant auburn hair that glowed like gold in the sunlight.

He couldn’t believe it when he found her, miraculously away from Potter, talking to someone he vaguely recognised as having been at school with them. “Lily!” He couldn’t help shouting the name. She was right there in front of him, tantalisingly close, able to be touched for the first time since ... well, really, since he’d called her a Mudblood all those years ago.

At the sound of her name, she turned around curiously. However, when she saw him her face hardened.

“Sev.”

“Lily.” He hurried over to her, ignoring the harshness of her tone, the fact that she seemed not to want to talk to him.

“Sev.” She still didn’t sound enthusiastic. “So you’re here now.”

“Lily, I missed you,” he whispered, thankful that the girl she had been talking to had retreated a little. “I tried to save you, I really did.”

“Right.” The hostility hadn’t left her face and she seemed keen not to look at him. His heart sank – had she really never forgiven him for that one slip-up? In all these years?

Tentatively, he moved closer, wondering if he dared put a hand to her face. Probably better not, he thought, just to be on the safe side. “What’s wrong, Lily?” he asked quietly. “What’s wrong?”

She looked up and glared at him. “What’s wrong? _What’s wrong??_ ” she asked coldly.  “I know what you’ve been doing. Sirius told me. Bullying Harry, abusing your position as teacher …”

His face fell. “Black? You’d believe _him_ over me?”

“Why would he lie?” she shot back. “He’s Harry’s godfather, if he’s not looking out for him then no one is. He’s got no reason not to tell us the truth.”

“He hates me,” he insisted. “He’d lie just to make me look bad.”

She just looked at him. “As opposed to what you’ve been doing, which makes you look like a basket of daisies?”

“But everything I did was for you!” he protested.

She whirled on him angrily. “Bullying my son, that was for me? I know what you did, you made his life hell. What did he ever do to you to deserve that? He’s only a child.” She glared at him. “A _child_. And you were his _teacher_. How could you even _think_ of doing something like that?” He wasn’t sure what was worse – her anger or her obvious disappointment in him.

“He’s not a child anymore,” he said defensively. “He’s seventeen. He hasn’t been a child in a long time.”

“But it started when he was a child, didn’t it?” she asked, her eyes flashing. “Back in first year? He’d just turned eleven. You tell me that’s not a child.”

“It was the name,” he spluttered eventually. “And he looks just like Potter, it was like Potter was back to torture me.”

“He’s my son too,” she hissed. “You claim to love me, yet you could do something like that to my son? How am I supposed to read that?”

He had no answer for that.

“I’m sorry, Lily,” he managed to get out eventually. “I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “Sorry doesn’t take away what you did, Sev. My son. A child. And from what I hear, he wasn’t the only one you picked on.” She paused, her green eyes full of disappointment. “I don’t know what you turned into, but it’s not the Sev I used to be friends with. It’s not even the Sev who graduated alongside me. I don’t recognise you at all anymore.”

“But … but …”

Again, he had no answer, because he knew that in some ways she was right. However, in other ways she was completely and absolutely mistaken, and he didn’t know how to tell her that.

“Have you seen Dumbledore?” he asked finally. The old Headmaster might have been able to save his reputation, he hoped feebly.

She nodded. “And he backs up Sirius’ story,” she said coldly. Then, inexplicably, her gaze softened a little. “Though he also says you tried to save Harry. I must admit, I don’t really see how, but I suppose that’s something.”

He grasped at that like a lifeline. “Yes, Lily, I tried to save him,” he said eagerly. “I did what I could to keep him from the Dark Lord, to ensure he lived. At least, till …” His voice trailed off. Did Lily know her son was destined to fight Voldemort? And that he would die in the attempt? He didn’t know how to go on.

She was shaking her head. “I suppose the question is, if I asked Harry, would he realise you were trying to help rather than hinder him?” She gazed at him intently, her green eyes cutting through him with the hostility that had returned to them. “Because if he didn’t, then maybe you haven’t been doing as good a job as you’d thought.”

“I … I …” Again, he had no answer. He had thought he was doing the right thing, but he couldn’t justify his actions to the person who mattered most. The realisation broke his heart. And he couldn’t bring himself to tell her that soon enough she’d have the chance to ask her son that very question, that soon he would be joining them in the afterlife.

“I did my best,” he said eventually. “I did as much as I was able.”

“And that still wasn’t very much.” He felt himself tremble as her eyes raked over him, and the disillusionment in her voice tore at his heart. “Sev, I’m disappointed in you,” she said finally, turning away from him for what felt like it would be the last time. “You could have been so much more than you were.”


End file.
